Tuesday, October 25, 2005

More adventures in corn country...

Hi kids! Do you like violence? Wanna see me stab a railroad spike through my freekin' mellon! Do ya?!? Well, my day today wasn't all that bad, really. Although, it began with a couple of real cluster f*cks.

A brief side note: To whomever introduced me to Sudoku (and I forget who at the moment) THANK YOU VERY F*CKING MUCH! Now I am certifiably addicted to these damn number puzzles. I purchased not one but two mini travel sized books of puzzles by "the original inventors of the puzzle." At least that is what Barnes & Noble are marketing them as. I actually did a fast inquiry as to where "Su Doku" originated from and I believe it was invented by a Swedish mathematician. Maybe if someone knows further details they can pass them along to me as I am now totally engrossed in Su Doku. I seem to be ripping through about 5-8 puzzles a night, which is only taking me about an hour to do. After that though I am ready for snoozing as I am drained. But what do I end up dreaming about? SU DOKU! Shit!!!

As I woke today I was alerted to an unwanted visitor in my crib. A damn fly! Double shit!!! This has been the third one I had to hunt down and kill in three days. Those that know me personally know that I am a bt anal retentive when it comes to cleanliness in my place. So the presence of a fly urks me to no end. To be honest, I had enough of flies when I was in Tanzania but since NE is getting frost heavy each night, the little s.o.b.s are trying to come indoors for the winter. Not in my crib they aren't. I think I did locate the possible place where they are entering and I will fix this later this week or call the management office and complain if the job is too big for me to do. I still have to get used to being a renter. Strike one.

After the kill I felt good about myself and decided to shower up and get going on today's first mission: locate a barber shop. Now this is not as easy as it is in NY. NY has barbers all over the place. Men get their haircut at a barber while women, homosexual men and most metrosexual men go to a salons. But in Lincoln this is not the case. I flipped open the yellow pages and looked up "barbers" and the city had a decent amount of listings. So I immediately started calling to get directions and prices. Well it turns out the old bait and switch was on and this City Slicker was on the case. Most of the so-called barber shops I called required an appointment. WTF? An appointment at a barber shop?? Hate to inform you guy or gal (yeah, what a surprise I got when I called a barber and a woman answered the phone) but if you take appointments you are NOT a barber shop - you're a salon! Strike two.

Out of the dozen salon-I mean barber shops I called, I was able to weed out the fakers just by who answered the phone (a receptionist being the dead giveaway). But I didn't just hang-up on the person. I asked a few other questions just to make sure I wasn't leaving any stones unturned. The biggest question I asked was whether or not they used buzzers (or clippers as they may be called, like the Oster). No buzzers!? No buzzers mean only one thing - you're a salon! Strike three. One out. No man on. Bottom of the ninth.

The next question of the utmost importance was price. Now on Long Island we all know how expensive things are. But you can get a haircut at a barber shop for between 8-10 bucks not including additional services like steam facials and hot shaves. For arguments sake, if I wanted to get a cut plus a hot shave I would be covered with just 20 bucks and I might even have change after the tip. Some of these salon-I mean barbers in Lincoln were quoting me nearly 20 bucks for just the cut. They must be figuring in the tip with the price, otherwise no sensible person would break another large bill just for the tip. Double-digit prices for men's hair cuts means only one thing - you're a salon! Strike one.

I get to this one place called "Head's Up" -something or another, so I figured what the hell and dialed. A jovial whatshisname answers the phone and I ask my questions. I found out he does do appointments but takes walk-ins. Cool. He also told me no one was in his shop yet. Even cooler. He also provided direction and I could be there in like ten minutes. The coolest! So off I go. Here's the pitch... batter swings. Line drive to right-center. Man on first. One out. Bottom of the ninth. Looks like the starting of a Yankees rally.

I head down to Head's Up and I was delighted to see that it looked like a barber shop. They even had the barber's pole out in front of the place for all driversby to see. I felt good as I entered the shop. Inside I found whatshisname introduced myself and found that he was the soul owner and operator of the Head's Up Barber Shop. Not bad I think to myself. I re-confirmed that he could take a walk-in and said he had time to "neaten my up." So I must have been in the chair a total of fifteen minutes (seemed even shorter because the dude got right to business and was able to cut AND talk at the same time). He even had a little vaccuum attachment thingy he used to vaccuum all the little hairs off of my forehead, face, ears and neck and shoulders. Give myself a good stare in the mirrors and found he did a great job at neating me up. Next time I get a cut I will be re-styling a bit more and more clipper work will be needed for that. So with everything wrapped up I ask him how much. He replies, "That will only be $16." Come again? "$16 that'll do ya, sir." Here's the pitch... batter swings. Batter hits into a 4-3 double play. Three outs. That ends the ball game. The Yankee loses.

No trim up top, no shave, just the sides and back get clipped. Well, I hand over a c-note feeling as though my pants are being let down to my ankles as I am slowly leaned over. When I hear the money drawer slam shut, I realize whatshisname just achieved penetration. Shite! So as he hands me the four bucks in change back, I imagine it was my tip for a service rendered and quickly make my exit with a polite but stern, "good day." This doesn't make me feel any better but I could deal with it easier. Otherwise, I could have chastized him for ten minutes hopefully to have some sense sink in. But whatshisname was a bit older and all I need to do is be caught up in a barber having a heartache in his shop from an irate customer who happens to be from NY. Nah, not today anyway...