Sunday, July 17, 2005

Teach the youth how to pimp big early!

No wonder every twelve your old snot-nose I know owns a copy...

Apparently, many fingers have been pointing in the direction of Rockstar Games this past week. It seems Grand Theft Auto III: San Andreas contains multiple sexually-explicit minigames that can be unlocked using the "Hot Coffee" mod, readily available on the web.

Contrary to much of the current buzz, and according to Rockstar Games reps, the explicit content is not the result of hackers unlocking secret content within GTA III: SA. (Heaven forbid, right?) They claim that hackers discovered a way to exploit the source code directly in order to create the popular mod. In addition, the hackers were able to use "reverse-engineering," "altering" of the original code and re-compiling new code thereby altering scenes within the game.


I would say this is quite a big deal, especially for mothers who have walked in on their sons playing the game, but still utterly hilarious in the grand scheme of things. Decades back, kids had a harder time finding ways to get off during puberty. Today, the task is just too easy for young piss pots. Frankly speaking, much of the natural self-discovery and comedic hijinks have been sadly taken away.

Sneaking dirty magazines in your room (or swiping a few from dear old dad), copping early 80's porn tapes from either your parents' or your friends' parents' stash or simply trying to find a secluded, quiet spot in a busy household to either spank the monkey (boys) or pet the pussy (girls) all added to the heightened, frenzied fun! Why do you think sex in public places is such a turn on? Not only does it remind men and women of the youthful anxiety and feverish intent they felt while masturbating their nights away but now they get to have a partner to join in and share the bliss. What could be better, really? We all know that if you're gonna get caught doing anything it is better not to get caught alone this way another can share the blame and the guilt (in this case, the latter not so).

I say parents be warned. You are making it way too easy for Dick and Jane to jerk off nowadays. Take the locks off their bathroom doors. Do more surprise inspections in their rooms. If you find drugs, beat the crap out of them. If you find porn, share it with your husband or wife when the kids go to bed. Lord knows the extra "spice" might do married couples some good. Bring the fun and excitement back into choking the chicken, fanning the furnace, bludgeoning the beefsteak, whistling with four lips or bangin' the bishop!

There is a neat list of masturbatory euphemisms and most of the entries were familiar and a few made me laugh. However, embrace the plastic age and box the Jesuit and get cockroaches made me chuckle and then scratch my head... :)