Thursday, October 07, 2004

Background circumstances / What's on my plate

My grandfather Robert Payne (who will be referred to as "Pop" so as not to confuse my grandfather with his son who also has the name Robert Payne too) and I have lived in the same house for over six years. I moved in with Pop shortly after my Mother had died realizing that, because of issues I had and still have I could not live with my father in a comfortable way. This decision to live with Pop seemed to be a good decision in light of his immediate medical ailments which began occurring shortly after moving in. Pop had to have a Hip replacement surgery about six months after I moved in and required much help while undergoing his extensive therapy and rehabilitation. A couple of years after this occurred Pop needed open heart surgery for a quadruple bypass. His recovery from this procedure was considerable and he was put on an extended maintenance program for the rest of his life. This program as well as Pop's normal daily needs were balanced along with my academic and work schedules. More often than not, this arrangement placed academic and financial strains on myself that I am presently sorting out. Also, to put it bluntly, Pop did not follow the maintenance program as faithfully as he should have.

Because of his attitude towards his health there were some major set-backs along the way resulting in hospital stays, more medicine therapy, physical therapy and more strain on things in my personal life. During these past years, my grandfather has become accustomed to doing less and less for himself, which has put a considerable burden on myself and my fiancée Melissa who recently moved back home after living with us for three years. Her and I agreed that she needed to be with her family in order to sort her life out. As it stands now, I really cannot refer to Melissa as my fiancée but I do hope her and I can reconcile our relationship for the better in the future. I love her very much and I miss her terribly and this has played a role in my decision to eventually relocate to the Midwest, for a fresh start, to teach and finally concentrate on our relationship. I ultimately want to be happier then I am now and being apart does not make me feel any better. I have to allow myself to follow my heart despite what Pop will think in his present situation and mental capability. I am not leaving because of Pop but because I need to follow my heart and take a chance on life rather than stay here and have no life for myself. I know I will eventually reach my goals but it will take time and due process.